It's a Sunny Day indeed. :)

I must feel contented on how things are going on thus far. Sometimes the bug in me might start buzzing again randomly, that which stings my eyes. It happens. But I will just have to keep reminding myself that right now is certainly much much much better than how it was last year.

Truth is I am so so shallow that I get attracted immediately to attractive looking people and this little seed of hope then pop out of no where. All there's left for it to do is wait for me to water it and let it bud. I've most certainly got an eye candy for a partner, and I'm actually very thankful that he's attached, that way I can hold back and act normally. Oh man I'm terrible. Haha. Just for laughs alright?

I really should stop being "over-sensitive" and focus on my priority.

Funniest thing today happened during the MiC lecture:

"This is my cat, Lizzy and this is a lion from Google."

It's such a simple line but it cracked everyone up in the hall. Hahahaha!

And another interesting one today! The lecturer for Case 27 launch has only 7 fingers! How cool is that!? Everyone can pretty much tell that he was born that way. I only started to realize it after half an hour, as much as I thought it looks preeeetty normal, I still feel a chill in me.

I just can't imagine.

"Reflecting" and Running Wild As A Conclusion.

I don't know what got into me. I was tearing up during Vernon's PPD class. What he was talking about was completely, completely unrelated to what I was thinking in my head. Still, I almost broke the god damn dam again. Scarred but I'm really really trying my best to heal it. Then there goes all the thoughts of destroying myself and flinging myself deeper and deeper and deeper into the cold and bottomless abyss. And then absorb in my own world, self-pitying, forever.

I really did have a case of mild depression in the middle of the year. Panic attacks, anxiety and staying away from socials... It's all for real. And it happened to me. It might recur. I don't like being too quiet, I want to talk, to get to know people. Or can I please just be satisfied and made really joyous by even the simplest thing? I'm too greedy I think. I want more. I expect more. If I am content then I won't desire then I won't continue to hurt myself. I'm being such a bitch.

I was playing nice trying to accompany him? I did so. But I didn't do it sincerely did I? I did for a fleeting moment thought he was a bother. That he was hindering me from trying to talk to the others. Truth is, I'm just not good enough isn't it? Or I would have the capability to even bring him over to a side with some hope. However at the same time I'm glad he was there, to save my face when things ain't going the way I want it to. I'm being so mean. When he told me about how he's always going to Edinburgh on weekends to meet with his friends, something struck me. He's having problems too. And here I am having a bit of unkind thought even if he may be part of my problems. We are all having it hard psychologically. And we all need someone to save us. He still has his friends an hour plus away and another countermeasure for him is to rely heavily on his religion. I can't find fault at that.

Even I am desperate for something to cling onto.

How long can I keep this up for? I can smile, but just smiling on the surface could be hurting me just as much too. So what am I supposed to do?

Run wild??

I seriously think that.

What is to be?

I am cold and cruel.

Forbidding and glacial sounds nice too.

Ahh, save my soul.

Game Start.

A few weeks since the last entry? Heh.

Well, surprisingly the first things I did as soon as internet connection was available, was catching up with Naruto the manga. Also, caught up with some incomplete anime series, the first on the list being Fullmetal Alchemists: Brotherhood. The next in line is Kuroshitsuji 2.

That's what I tell people.

The truth is more like this: I checked all 4 of my e-mail inboxes, cleared them of junk; I logged in to my internet banking and checked my balance and made necessary updates; I signed in Facebook and checked the PMs and cleared out junks; I signed in on MSN and Skype, and from there I chatted with my closest friends and my family and particularly my mom for more than 2 hours; last but not least, I've completed my student registration on the S3P.

So, it's just a frontal act, a playful and unserious impression.

Class starts tomorrow.

Thus the game to overcome the bug in me starts.

There's something wrong with me.

There's something wrong with me.

Like I'm Admitting My Disability.

"Mom, there's something wrong with me.

So stop telling me to do stuffs like that."

- on how I should socialize with seniors to help with my studies.

Too bad, oh how so bad.

Who or What will be the Plug?

Oh yesss. I am finally done with Lisey's Story. It does get quite dull. But it's a really emotional one. And as I read the last few pages, the next title I am considering to read flashes in my mind.

So, would it be The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, or, a start-over for Steven Pinker's How The Mind Works. They are both non-fiction, and they both excite me equally. One records arguments on theology slash religions in general; the other does mind-fucking in a seemingly logical and sensible way. I will choose one to fly with me on the plane.

Other than the few remaining canvases for me to doodle "art" on, the books I have will also be my companions. All that I rely on to save my piss sad life. "Save me save me" I sing - more frequently than ever -, but it's so darn hard to pull myself out from that pit that extends all the way through the Earth's crust. No, not quite reaching the centre of the Earth yet, thankfully and mercifully.

It's not even intimidating me, the fact that, the thoughts of cutting my arm are coming at me stronger and bolder. Like, I think I need to get myself a tool as soon as I can. Namely a blade. Get a high quality one too. If it's not cutting, it's puffing smoke. Flavoured cigars seem like a good idea. But I've been thinking Salem Light. Oh, I shudder at the thought of how people will start casting their funny looks on me. Only, I'm the only one who think it's funny. So I tell myself, yea, as soon as you get back to goddamn Newcastle, go consult a counsellor. Walk into the person's room and say

"I don't know, you know. Just talk to me."